...

Memories

Sirens deafening.

Heart seizes, my thoughts mired

in the past: Maggie...

                                                             

                 ~CoreyJo

Lent: The Shunning of Deliciousness...

Yesterday I did a post about why I'm participating in Lent this year when I never have before, and I don't really agree with the religious reasons behind it. Anyways if you want to hear all about it you'll have to go and read about it in Yesterdays Post.

I said I would think long and hard about what exactly I was going to give up knowing all along I would make a snap decision as I typed up this post. Guess what? I actually thought about it!! It's a first for me when it comes to my health. I actually weighed the pros and cons of everything. I must be ready to do this thing! I just know it, otherwise why would I actually think about it, right? Anyways I thought about it last night as I redecorated the blog. What do ya think? I'm liking the grey... That's another story though..

Back to the whole Lent decision.  I decided on carbs. Having decided that I wasn't sure if I wanted to go broad and give up carbs as a whole or if I wanted to pick a carb and shun it for forty days. I thought about which one would benefit me the most and the probability that I'd not fail so I decided to give up a specific carb.  I was afraid if I went broad and gave up all carbs I was just setting myself up for failure. This is my first serious foray into becoming healthy. I don't need to set myself up for failure. I just need to master this forty days and then I can reevaluate the situation and see where I need to go from there. So for Lent I am giving up pasta. You probably think well that's not really much to give up.. Well let me tell you what. Me giving up pasta is like Hugh Hefner giving up Playboy Bunnies. Pasta is the main go to dish I make. It is the meal I order 95% of time we go out to eat. I have a very unhealthy relationship (code for obsession) with pasta. So I'm going to give it up. By giving up pasta I will virtually be giving almost all the carbs I eat. I don't eat very much bread, and because I don't I will be adding on to my pasta shunning bread and salad croutons (another obsession).

In addition to pasta & the breads I will be trying so very hard to make sure that what I do eat is a much more healthier than it has been thus far in my life. I love salads, I just need to eat more of them and more lean meats. I don't eat very many sweets as my tummy doesn't like the sugar but I do occasionally fall and have a junk food crisis from time to time. I don't drink much soda (my kidneys do NOT like it) so I will try to not drink it, but I do I won't cry about failing and just give up. I will just stop at the one and start new.

I have to be honest with you and tell you that I'm only half way through my first day of no pasta and I want to panic. Of course I'm craving it. Of course my cupboards are full of it. Yes I will still be making for the rest of the family. But to be honest though.. the thought of dying from something related to, or caused by, my weight scares me more. I've never been a skinny person naturally. I've always had curves. I never have and nor do I want to be a hard body. I like my softness, and so does the Sailor, I just want less of it. When I turned 21 and discovered alcohol & dance clubs I dropped weight at an alarming rate. I became so skinny that I couldn't find jeans small enough that would still button around my protruding hip bones. Mind you this was 14 years ago and there were no low riding jeans. I was 140 lbs. I know doesn't sound very skinny, but for me it was very skinny. Anyways, I drank and dance and drank and drank and danced until I was very unhealthy. I changed somethings in my life (code for kicked the ex-boyfriend to the curb) and I gained about 20 pounds which put me on the skinny side of a healthy weight. I met the Sailor and we eloped to Vegas (←link takes you to the wedding photo post).  This was before I started to shrink in height so I was closer to 5'9" where as I'm only about 5'7" now. Anyways I was 164 lbs when we were married 13 years ago. I quit work to move to California and in the first 3 months there I gained 20 more pounds due to not working and enjoying life.  So that put me up around 180-185 lbs. I'm cool with that now, not so much then. I wasn't panicking because when I graduated I was 190 lbs. Then I became pregnant with our first child. Well there went the end of all that. I gained a normal amount of weight but that put me up above 200 lbs. Lets just say that after 2 more babies (3 total) and 8 years as the self proclaimed laziest housewife ever. I ballooned up to 263 lbs. Thankfully I carry my weight well. Even at such a great weight my body is still proportioned pretty evenly. A little rounder in the middle than when I was younger due to 3 pregnancies.

About this time last year I lost about 25 lbs., and have since gained most of it back. Today I weighed 255 pounds. Even thought it's been the norm for way too long and the Sailor still finds me sexy, it's completely unacceptable. If I didn't know me and I saw me naked... I would not think I was physically sexy. It's just that simple. I know my body will never be perfect. Hell I don't want it to be. I will forever carry the scars of my obesity, but I'm okay with that because they will be the reminders of what I can NOT allow myself to be.  

I'm not super religious like I said in yesterdays post, so I'm going to use Lent as my kick starter to getting myself healthy again. I have to do something and Lent was starting in just two days so I thought why not? So here I am on a public website not only telling the world my real age (35 if you didn't do the math earlier) but telling my real weight. How low does a lady have to sink to be at the point of admitting to the world her true age and weight? Pretty low I tell ya. I'm not as low as a person can go, but I don't want to hit rock bottom and have the doctors telling me to lose weight or die either. I will always be in some sort of physical pain due to other issues not related to my weight but the weight has done nothing but make the pain worse. I'm hoping with losing weight not only will I be healthier but the pain will be more manageable.

Now that I've spilled my guts about myself and just put it all out there. Lets hear from those of you who are participating in Lent or those of you who are making a change in your life. What are you giving up for Lent and why? or What are you changing about your life and why? I truly am interested. Even if it's something simple as cutting back to buying only one new pair of shoes a month or your planning to grow your own vegetables this year. Let me know! I'm nosy like that!

Be Happy, Live Happy

CoreyJo

Lent: Is it for only the believers?

I'm not a religious fanatic. I don't attend church. I don't say grace before each meal. I don't really know what I believe. I just know that I believe. Do I believe everything the church (of any denominative) teaches, No. Do I believe there is something bigger than us, yes.

You have one bible and many churches. The fact that all of these churches understand the bible so differently only proves, in my opinion, that the Bible itself is a guide to living life not a rule book. For me, it seems like it's a compilation of life lessons. How do we grow as an individual, a society, a race? We learn from our mistakes or the past. That's what a life lesson is. You did something, whether the outcome was wonderful or terrible, you learned something about life, hence the term "Life Lesson".  If you read the Bible what does it say? Well, first it tells you how we came to be. Then it tells you stories of things people did, or how people reacted in certain situations. Then it tells you the consequences or rewards in these actions. Sure all these stories revolve mainly around one key person, still they are all stories about things that can, have & may happen to any one of us at any given time. Life Lessons. So for me the bible, yes I've read the Bible, Yes the whole Bible, is a guide to life. By reading the stories of the Bible we learn about life and mankind. The actions & consequences of deeds therefore learning life lessons without actually having to experience these things first hand. Which for me is great. I mean really, do I want to fight with someone over the custody of a child if it's only going to damage the child? (that's the story about the two ladies fighting over the kid and the solution was to cut the kid in half, if my memory serves me correctly--it was a long time ago I read the bible--and the real mom was willing to give up the child to spare it's life). What did I learn from that. I learned that if you love someone or something you will sacrifice whatever you must in order to garner their safety and happiness.  The Bible, for me, helps to guide me in the right direction as far as right and wrong. I don't believe it is a set of rules that we MUST live by. It's virtually impossible. No one person is perfect (remember the quote about he who has not sinned shall cast the first stone, or some such thing?) and no one should be expected to be perfect. Bottom line here in my ramblings is that I don't follow the bible the way I would a recipe for cupcakes but I do use it for base line of ingredients to make something good of my life.

What does this have to do with the title of the post you ask? Well all of that was my long winded way of saying I don't usually participate in Lent because I'm not a "believer", but do think I will use it this year for motivation to do something I should have done a long time ago. So I'm going to give up something for Lent even though I'm not what the Sailor calls a "Bible Thumper".

It's been way to long that I've sat idly by and let myself get out of shape. Sure I've had plenty of reasons to be depressed the last few years, but at this point there is no excuse. Last year about this time I had lost almost 25 pounds. I have since gained almost all of it back. While some of it has been what everyone refers to as "good weight" (muscle toning) and my clothes still fit better than they did over a year ago, I'm still grossly overweight and sadly out of shape internally. The reasons, not excuses, for this are my love of food and lack (abject horror) of exercise. I have no excuses for not curbing these cravings and not using my stubborn mind to use my strong will to be motivated. I know I can do it, it's just a matter of doing it. Don't ask why I know this and still don't do it. If I had all the answers I'd be skinny, or what my body considers skinny. Anyways, I'm one of those people who will sit and watch those weight loss shows while I eat nachos or a burger. Yes that's me. I don't get all mushy and sad when they tell their stories on why they gained weight. Probably because I'm not relating to them, or more yet their reasons. I'm the way I am because I'm lazy. Sure I've been deeply depressed since my 2 year old daughter died 3 years ago. News flash everyone! I was fat before she was born, I was fat after she was born, and I'm still fat. So while I may not have been the most motivated person the last few years, it wasn't anyone's fault but my own.

Again sorry about the long windiness of my thoughts. Back to the Lent thing.  So I'm overweight and I'm getting mentally & physically sick of my state of health. So even though I'm not a believer in the reasons for Lent I'm going to try my damnedest to be true to the rules of Lent. I haven't decided if I should just be broad and say I'm giving up unhealthy eating for Lent or if I should pick a specific thing like bread or pasta, or just carbs in general. I know giving up carbs is a good way to lose weight and that when/if you start with carbs again you generally will gain weight back. I'm okay with that if I can control the gain and keep it to a minimum. My goal isn't to become Cindy Crawford or a swimsuit model. I just want to be a healthier me. I will always have curves and scars that will forever remind me of what used to be, but that's okay if I feel better and I am healthier.

So tomorrow starts Lent.. I will think long and hard tonight (code for wait till my morning post to make a snap decision) about what I'm going to give up for Lent in order to help make myself healthier, and let you know my decision.

I hope I haven't scared too many of you off with my religious ramblings... just remember I was rambling not thumping... These are my views and I only expressed them in order for you to understand that for me to participate in Lent is a big deal due to my lack of belief behind the meaning of lent. Because quite frankly I believe if something makes you happy and it's not hurting anyone why should you give it up, even if it's only for 40 days?

Be happy, live happy.

Kisses
CoreyJo

Friendship...

Friends come and friends go. Each person you meet has the potential to be a friend. It could be the person next to you in the check out lane, or at the next gas pump. Maybe it's someone who hands you your dropped glove on the sidewalk, or someone online even. It could be your mail delivery person, or the bank teller. Maybe it's your best friends cousin, or and old friend from childhood's spouse. You never know who's going to be your next friend so be sure to always wear a smile when you meet someone new. Sometimes these friends become super close and sometimes they are here and gone. Even so each person that comes into our life does so with a purpose. Once that purpose is served they move on or you simply just move in different directions in life. The ones who are your friends for always are still in your life for a reason too. We don't always know what these reasons are, but there is a reason I assure you.

Sometimes friendships blow up or fizzle out in a bad way. In these cases, no matter how hard it is, it's sometimes better to end the friendship. "I'm sorry but I don't think I can be your friend anymore because our friendship is only hurting us both." Sometimes that's not always an option. You still see this person at social functions or smaller intimate gatherings. In these cases both parties just have to let everything go and be civil to each other. You don't have to pretend to best buds, the way it used to be, but you can just be civil and polite. It's called having class. A person with class can continue to socialize without making anyone in the room feel uncomfortable from tension.

Some friends are instantaneous friends. The moment you meet it feels as if you've known each other since you were in small pants. It's like you've been searching for this person forever without even knowing you were missing them, but once they are a part of your life you wonder how you ever survived without them. These are the friends you can go to with anything and not worry about being judged. These are the friends you should try your damnedest to never lose touch with no matter what direction life takes you both.

Sometimes a person is more of an acquaintance than they are a friend. Don't ever discount these people as not important, or classify them as "just someone I know" because you never know why they're in your life. Be grateful for those in your life, no matter who they are. And if you are in the belief that you have no friends and you are reading this, then I'm here to tell you that you DO have a friend. You have me. I will be your friend if you'll have me. All you have to do is say Hi.

Also remember, Friendship isn't about what a person can bring into your life but rather what you can bring to theirs, and if both people are willing to give to the other you can have something special.

I wish you all a wonderful week full of smiles, joy & lots of laughter!

Kisses
CoreyJo

Haiku: Speed

This weeks Haiku contest is being hosted by Serendipity over at Serendipitous Wild Moments.  Be sure to pop on over and check out all of the competition, or even throw one down yourself. With the theme being Speed it should be a quick read.... Haha!! Sorry I couldn't help myself. Anyways, on to my entry.

Up, down...Up, down...WOW!

Accuracy essential.

Hands like lightning, Damn!

                                                     
                                                                  ~CoreyJo

This particular video was found on the Guinness World Records official web site.  

Good luck to everyone!

Kisses
CoreyJo

Soon to be new tattoo..

I do believe this is going to be part of my next tattoo.

I would like to get it on my left wrist where the model in this photo has the word 'Faith' placed. Followed up by this

on my inner forearm filling the space from the quote to my inner elbow area. Only I would probably nix the fish and add a few more flowers.. of course coloring the flowers a light purple to make them Forget-Me-Not flowers. Then I would have the branches/vines continued around my arm to encircle it and pepper the branches/vines with lots of the F-M-N flowers...

For those of you who don't know what Forget-Me-Not flowers are here's what they look like:

So.. What do you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts, good or bad on my idea for my next piece of ink.

Hope your weekend was nice, mine sure was :)

Kisses

CoreyJo

Sweetness...

I 

remember 

your 

hair

your 

touch

your

sound.

Most

of

all 

I

remember

your

love.

♥

                      ~CoreyJo

What's what...

2012 was one Hell of a year. I'm happy to be able to say that as sad and heartbreaking as the year started out it wasn't all bad. Here's a quick timeline (sort of) to catch you up in case you missed something.

January

• Bank account empty due to overspending and poor money management on our part. :-(
• Cold as Hell yet not enough snow for the girls to use their new snow sleds from Santa. :-(
• Watching the Sailor Senior slowly get worse from the cancer. :-(
• Hanging out with my brother & sister in-law during these sad time. It was so wonderful to have them here with us. :-)

February

• The Sailor turned 36 and I got to laugh at him when he realized that it really isn't all that old. :-)
• Still cold as Hell, and still not enough snow for sledding. Lucky for us in the Sailors oh so advanced age he has become genius. He used the snow blower to move all the snow in the back yard onto the slide so the midgets & their aunt K, who I technically call a midget too, could go sledding. :-)
• The Sailor Senior worsens and the Sailor takes leave from work to help with his fathers care. :-(
• My beloved sister in-law (the aforementioned Aunt K) turned 40!! Whoot! Whoot! She doesn't look 40 (cow!!) (you know I love you ♥ )).  :-)

March

• Still EFFING cold!! No more snow. :-(
• Just now recovering from end of year financial crisis. :-)
• Sailor Senior takes a turn for the worse. Brother in-Law is helping the Sailor take care of their dad. :-(
• The Sailor and I celebrated our 12th anniversary. :-)
• The short midget (Kiera) turned 7 on St. Patrick's Day. :-)
• Later that night (st.pats day) The Sailor Senior passed away to better place. :-(
• The tall midget (Lily) turned 11. :-)

April

• Warmer weather!  :-)
• Funeral Service for the SS  :-(
• Family drama blow up extraordinaire :-((

May

• Not much happened in May, I really can't think of anything that sticks out as special either good or bad. :-)

June

• End of school year :-)
• Started our home renovation. :-)
• Endured a stressful home renovation :-|
• Finished our home renovation. :-)
• Bank account is now empty again, if not negative. I really couldn't tell you. I try to block the really bad stuff out :-(
• Weather is HOT HOT HOT HOT and dry... Ugghhh!! :-(

July

• Just finished the renovation and left the same day for a week of camping... Most miserable week outdoors ever!!! :-(
• Came home from the worst camping trip ever to a wonderfully new and beautifully renovated home! :-)))
• Unpacked my house... mostly :-|
• Became sick and stayed sick for the rest of the month of July.

August

• Stayed sick the entire month of August also. :-(
• Still trying to unpack my house, mainly the kitchen. :-(
• Prepare for the new school year :-)
• Horrific accident involving family members (all who are well and doing fine now) :'(

September

• Midgets are back in school!!!!! :-))
• Bank account still empty... trying to recover from the renovation.. :-/
• Go to the doctor because I'm STILL sick!! Anti's helped but boy was I hurting.. :-(

October

• Weather finally cools off :-)
• Celebrate Maggie Alice's Birthday (she would have been 5 in 2012) with friends and family. A good day indeed. Very good :-))
• Same day I wrecked my car in a one on one car vs. deer on M43...
• Honored the third anniversary of Maggie Alice's death. Therapeutic and heartbreaking. :-|
• Halloween!! The girls were exactly what they wanted to be for the first time ever!! A Zebra dressed up as a clown, and a spider witch! :-))

November

• Got my car back all spiffy and new looking. :-)
• Didn't fully recover financially but we at least got all caught up. :-)
• Thanksgiving was a simple affair with just the four of us. :-)

December

• Had a sex toy party to help launch my friends new career. It Was A Fabulous Time!! :-)))
• Got ahead financially and was able to give the girls a grand Christmas.!! :-))
• I turned 35 on the day the earth was supposed to end....Thankfully the Mayans were wrong! :-)
• The Crud that was going around the schools decided to show it's ugly face in our house. One Person At A Time!!! :-(
• Despite the crud infecting us we managed to have a sick free & joyful Christmas morning & day :-))
• New Years Eve was spent Celebrating a 65th wedding anniversary and later we rang in the new year with some wonderful friends. Love You Muffin!! :-))

So that's my year in review. There's more stuff that probably should have been added and I'm sure there was stuff I might should have left out.. Oh well, it's me and by now you should be used to the way I do things. Like I said it was a sad and heartbreaking year, yet it wasn't all bad. I know I haven't posted much this year, and that's one of the sad parts, but believe me I haven't given up blogging yet!

Until next time

Kisses

CoreyJo