Moving Forward

October came and went as fast as a flash of lightening. October is always hard for me, it being the month that Maggie Alice was not only born, but also the month she past away. 

This year for me was different. I didn't get melancholy and distant from my everyday life.  When her birthday came on the 21st I kinda just wanted to skip it. For the girls and the Sailor we still released a ballon and wished her a Happy Birthday. She would have been 7 this year. 

Then the fifth anniversary of her death rolled around on the 30th of October. The sharp jab of pain wasn't there this year for me. My mind didn't replay the horrific day over and over in slow motion. I wasn't distracted to point of total uselessness. I didn't even cry throughout the day. I spent the day with my amazing friend, Billie Jo, baking cakes for Kiera's Fall Carnival the next day.  That night as the Sailor and I had a late dinner, without the girls, I told him how I had been lacking in my usual emotions for  this time of year. I did cry at this point. I cried because I felt guilty for not being depressed and emotional like I have been in years past. I cried because this lack of emotion felt wrong. In reality I think I was, for the lack of a better term, over it. I love her and I miss her each day, but my mind has wrapped my heart tight enough now that the throbbing pain is no longer debilitating. It's not overruling my ability to function. 

I will never forget her. My heart will never stop hurting. Having said that, I believe that five years after her death I am finally "letting her go". I have gotten to a point in my grief in which my pain has hurt for so long that I have gotten used to it. It's a chronic pain, but a pain that is so normal to me now that I am finally able to function normally (if that's possible) and move forward with my life. 

This year October has been bittersweet for me. I can live with that. Who knows maybe next year it be even better and just be sweet. 

Now, if you've followed my blog, my story, throughout the years you've heard me mention my very close friend, Rafa. He came into my life at a time in which I needed him the most. He helped me learn to deal with my grief of losing my youngest child. He has a special way with words. He has been able to take my ramblings ( haha ) and turn them into beautiful poems. Sometimes heart wrenching, sometimes funny as all get out. Most of all, always amazingly beautiful. He is also a fantastic artist. Each year when the end of October rolls around I get an email from him. He never forgets. For this alone I will never forget him, or the love he has given me and mine. In this email is always one of his amazing poems. Not just the poem, mind you, but the poem imposed upon a unique visual creation of his.  I'm late posting it this year, but I couldn't not share it. It's too beautiful. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. 

Thank you to my friends and family from all over the world, near and far, who are always there for me when I need them the most. 


For those who can't read the poem on the photo.

Lil' Pea:

You came to me an angel
Freshly Heaven sent
Not even yet a little pea
More spirit than of flesh
Tied as one, we shared ourselves
Giving as received
Until the day, with swollen pride
Bore you to the world

Tender was your heart

Terror was your trail
Wings with want to FLY
The only question... When
It was our little secret
I promised not to tell

You taught me both in life and death

What it means to love
Through grief, I've known a hollowness
Depths beyond belief
Survival has it's lessons, too
Resiliency, for one
And willingness to SMILE
I'm wizened to the world
Through the clouds... A clarity
I see, where once was blind

Yet, gladly I'd be ignorant

Blissfully undeterred
If only I could have you back
With no return to sender
Feel your heartbeat pulse with mine
Forever; plus a day


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