This time of year is always hard for me. After having the girls 24/7 for three months I have to adjust to being alone for up to 9 hours a day. It's always a difficult adjustment for me because being alone during the day always brings home the fact that Maggie Alice is no longer with us. Each day I miss her more and more. Sometimes I just stare at the photo of her on our dresser and it all just seems so surreal. Both the before and the after. The time before her death seems surreal in the fact that sometimes it feels as if it was just a realistic dream or fantasy. The time since her death seems surreal because I'm living the life of a news story. When you hear about someone losing their child on the news you never think that someday it's going to be you. Yet here I am almost 3 years after her death still trying to come to terms with the fact that she's NOT here anymore. I'm not going to wake up from the horrid dream where I lose my baby girl. Sometimes I just look at her photo and think to myself, "WOW!! She's really gone." Other times I look at her photo and think, "WOW!! Her cheeks were FAT!". Well they were!! To be honest with you most of the time I pass by her photo, whether it the one the dresser or one on a wall, without even looking at it or thinking about it. I'm always aware of it being there, but suppose I feel that maybe if I don't acknowledge the photo the pain of losing her won't bother me as much today. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Lately it hasn't been working...
I've been thinking about Maggie Alice a lot lately. Not just the good times but the bad too. More specifically the day she died. Every single thing about the day, big or small. Be it the smell of the hospital, or the feel of her tiny hand in mine, the bright lights, or kissing her one last time telling her goodbye. The smells, sounds, and feelings, both emotional and the physical just keep replaying in my mind. I'm not sure why that day is the one my mind is focusing on but I feel as if there's a reason why. What that reason may be, I don't know. I don't try to figure things out anymore. I just roll with the punches hoping I come out the other side unscathed, or at the very least only slightly beat up.
Life has a way of working it self out if you just let it. I've learned to not over analyse every little thing. I'm sure my brain will figure out why I keep reliving that fateful day sooner or later. Whether or not I realize it or not is another story.....
At least now at the end of the day I have a warm fuzzy feeling inside just from the thought of her, whether I laughed or cried, I can now feel not just the loss of her, but her love itself.
Mommy loves you Maggie Alice
Love ♥ Huggs
p.s. Seriously, she really did have fat cheeks!!