May the bridges you burn lighten your way...

 "May the bridges you burn lighten your way, and the whisky you drink warm your bones"

Growing up I was always told, "Don't burn your bridges, you never know when you might need to cross the river again.". While sage advice, I have to say that there are some bridges that need to be burned. Burning bridges isn't something to be taken lightly, but sometimes it's the only thing left to do. 

Taking the fist step onto a bridge is not always easy. Some bridges we cross with ease, sometimes not realizing until much later, if ever, that we have even crossed one. Some are exciting and crossed with exuberance, while others are dreaded and fretted about yet necessary.

The ones that are the scariest are the ones that pop up suddenly. Appearing and seeming higher and longer than the rest. And no matter how long we look for another way across, this bridge is the only way to proceed forward. To not cross would mean that you are stuck somewhere you don't particularly care to be. Somewhere in which you cannot trust, where bonds have been broken. It's a cold and dark place that is swirling with pain and discourse. In order for you to proceed forward in your journey to a better place, you must cross this bridge. There is no other option. Once you cross this bridge, in order for the darkness to not reach you again, and cause you more pain, you must burn this bridge.

Knowing that burning this bridge is the only choice you have, doesn't make it easy. That doesn't mean that you don't have a heavy heart when you light that match, or when you turn your back to take the first step away.  It's doesn't mean that you will instantly be free of the pain you incurred. It will take time to heal and time to process the fact that this path can no longer be traveled or revisited. A shard of sadness may always prick you when you think of the good times you had before you burned the bridge, but only momentarily. Your heart knows that this was for the better, and to move forward and be happy in this harsh world in which we live, it was necessary.

When I saw this photo it made perfect sense. That even though we have to burn a bridge here or there, we shouldn't stay and dwell over the ashes. We should use the light from this burning bridge to help light the way to our next place of happiness, to keep moving forward. Use the memory and pain of this burning bridge to help guide you in future adventures.

I suppose the whiskey is just a bonus!

XOXO

CoreyJo

Twist the knife...

Earlier today I posted some confessions. One of them being how I lied to the girls about the cat being euthanized (I plan on telling them of her "passing" this next week). Anyways, we went out to dinner to a Chinese buffet tonight. This particular restaurant has a koi pond, at the reception area, where you can toss in a coin. The girls both toss their coins each visit and make their wishes. The last time we went, Kiera (the short midget, 8), wished that her sister Maggie Alice "could be here with us For Real to play with, not be an angel."  OH MY GOD!! Break my heart all over again why don't cha!!  I had a heart to heart with her and basically told her to try to be happy that her sister is in heaven where she no longer has health issues and to try to wish for something that may be possible, like a new doll or a trip to the movies this weekend. I was hoping that our little chat worked. Well it did, but it didn't.... She told me tonight that her wish was that "Bonnie (our cat who was just euthanized who she temporarily thinks is at a shelter to get better & then adopted) wasn't sick anymore even though she can't come home because she won't use the litter box anymore."  DEAR SWEET MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS!! Twist the knife a little more in my guilt for lying to the kids about what happened to the cat!! FFS! I can't seem to get a break these days! Oh well, such is life. Right? Hopefully things won't be too bad and having a pool will help distract the girls once I tell them that their cat has passed on to Heaven... Maybe I should have tossed in a coin and made a wish....

Kisses

CoreyJo

Pondering thoughts say what?

On days like today when everything is quiet and the sun is shining I sit and think about my life. About where I came from, my childhood. About the good times & the bad... I think about how my life is total opposite of what I had always imagined it to be yet now I couldn't imagine living life any other way than I am. That despite the fact that I'm not who I envisioned myself to be at almost 35, I'm completely happy with the path my life has taken.  I sit and think about all the people in my life, past & present. About how those people changed me, for the better or the not so better. What did they teach me? What did I take away from knowing them.. Have I changed them? What did them knowing me do for them, and was it positive?  I also think about the impact my online friends have had on me. I've never met them in person. I don't even know what some of them look like and it's been two years! I think about how I care for my on line friends just as dearly as I do my friends in real life. Does that make me crazy? Silly? or is it normal? Then again, what is normal, right? All I know is I do care, and dare I say Love, all my friends. On line or in real life, all my friends mean the world to me. It's just who I am I guess. I'm okay with that.

Ever since Maggie Alice died three years ago I often think about death and what would I be leaving behind should I die today? Well, that's not entirely true... I admit I've wondered about that all my life as far back as I can remembered. I've always wondered what would people remember the most about me? Would it be something good or something bad? How long would it be before people stopped thinking about me or bringing me up in conversations... you know, "Remember that one time we went to the fair and Corey....?". Those kinds of things. Would my children tell stories of their crazy mother to their own kids or grand-kids?  Again, it's just who I am, and I'm okay with that.

I think about my pets too. They are a crazy, annoying, loving bunch of odd balls just like the rest of us in this house. I think, are they happy? Do they know how good they have it? What would life be like for them if I hadn't decided to save them? What would it be like for me if I didn't have them. Daily life along with myself would be quite boring to tell the truth.... I very rarely turn on the tv or the radio anymore... even when I'm not on the internet. The silence has become a wonderful thing that I cherish whole heartily. I'm  not sure why, it just has. I'm okay with that too.

Those are the main things I think about during days like today. Sometimes these things make me sad, sometimes they don't. Sometimes I think of great ideas... once in a while I will try to execute said ideas, usually though I'm too lazy. I'm working on that, so I'm okay with that too. Of course all of these serious thoughts are periodically interrupted with silly thoughts as food, and why when I give my dog my $200 dollar ottoman for a bed and even give him his own pillow he chooses to lay like this?

I guess somethings will just go unanswered...

What do you think about when you're mind wanders. What sort of things go through your mind when you ponder your life? Think about it, and let me know. Haha! I really do crack myself up sometimes :)

Kisses
CoreyJo


p.s. I know some of you are thinking, you don't think about your kids and the Sailor?? Yes I do but that would take up a whole blog post it self so maybe another day I'll spill my mind about them.  :)

Haiku Hurricane...

I know I'm late for the actual contest, but I just had to post it anyways. I hope you enjoy it.

From out of no where,

A force to be reckoned with.

That was Margaret.

                                                                                  ~CoreyJo

Margaret, aka Maggie Alice, came into this world with a bang. A BIG bang. At the end of a normal pregnancy she was taken from my body during an emergency cesarean. I was having the normal monitors strapped on for child birth and ten minutes later I was knocked out cold. I didn't even get to tell the Sailor I loved him. The last thing I remember is the scalpel touching my lower abdomen and hearing the doctor lady say, "Tell me when, tell me when, tell me wh....". Then I was waking up in the O.R. waiting for ex-rays, to make sure nothing was left inside upon closing me up. This all happened at 8pm on a Sunday night.

During the night the medical staff realized something was wrong with Margaret. Her heart rate was only 49 b/min when it should have been closer to 110-120 b/min. Being in a small town they took EKG's and other readings of hers and sent them to the neighboring town which has a heart center. They called back and said it was too much for them and they were sending the readings to Helen DeVos Children's Hospital (an hour away). They called our doctor and said they would be there in 2 hours to get her and transfer her to their facility. They were here and gone in less than 3 hours with the Sailor in hot pursuit behind their ambulance, leaving me behind with my sister to check out and follow. Approximately 18 hours after a cesarean I stood up and walked out (more like hunched over and hobbled, but you get the point) of the hospital on my way to my baby. 

It turns out that Margaret had what was called Long QT syndrome. Basically the bottom of the heart, after squeezing closed, takes too long to open back up for the next heart beat therefore throwing off the rhythm of the heart. This is why Margaret's heart rate was so low. Her condition was the worst the world had ever seen and also was present in the youngest person on record (at the time). Is this curable? No. Is it manageable? Yes.

At Three days old Margaret had a pacemaker installed. Combined with a two heart medications, the pacemaker allowed Margaret to live a normal life only restricting her from physical contact sports. At 23 days old, after a few medical setbacks common with surgeries on newborns,  she was finally released from the hospital to come home. Once at home our lives settled into a normal family routine, only differing in that we had to give Margaret medicine every 8 hours. Life was good again. We had our baby and everyone was in love with her.

At 8 months old Margaret had a seizure which landed her back at DeVos for another surgery. This time to replace the pacemaker with a combination pacemaker/ICD. (which she was too small for at birth). After only 4 days this time we were able to bring Margaret home again. 

Life went on as normal as possible. Margaret was an outgoing busy body of a baby. Very independent and loving. Always causing mischief with her older sisters and truly believing that she was the queen of the house and ruled all that she could see, and all those she knew. She didn't understand that she was supposed to avoid physical impact and in turn was the most daring baby I knew. She would climb anything and jump from anywhere just to have fun. Instead of keeping up with the older girls they were having to keep up with her, constantly saving her from impact with one thing or another, usually the floor.

Margaret was the happiest baby ever. She always cooperated with the doctors and the many tests they preformed on a regular basis .Complaining about nothing outside of getting her way and wanting more food. 

Just like a true hurricane, Margaret came into our lives with such force and abandonment, rocking us all with her amazing self and bowling us over in her take no prisoners attitude, only to leave us just as quickly as she came.

Nine days after Margaret's second birthday her heart decided it had had enough and for whatever reason her ICD did not detect that she wasn't responding to her pacemaker. Again, just like a true hurricane Margaret left us quickly and in her wake she left irreparable destruction & devastation. Leaving us with memories that will last us all for more than a lifetime.

Two and a half years later the memory of her still lives vividly in my heart and my mind. The pain is still there and the love is too. Just like a hurricane she will be forever in our memories, not just the pain and destruction but also the beauty & sheer magnitude that was Margaret.

I didn't really want to write all this much but a friend told me I "MUST write the background story...it's part of YOUR healing." I took his advice and tried to keep it short and to the point. As you can tell I wasn't exactly successful at that. Oh well, to leave a part out of Margaret's story would be like not broadcasting the actual storm, and only reporting that it was coming and this is what it left behind.  I hope I didn't depress anyone (sorry Terri for another tear jerker). My intent was only to show how Margaret was like a hurricane in my life. I'm also sorry that I missed the deadline for the contest, but in my defense I have been swamped with this remodeling of our house and just lost track of which day it was. Oh well, such is life.

If you'd like to see those who DID make the dead line you can just follow this link to Karl's Korner and  check out everyone else's entry(ies). Good luck to all of you not late for the party, and thanks to everyone for making it this far in my post.

Love ♥ Huggs

CoreyJo

*** the photograph by Martin Kucera has been altered by me.

Catching up...

WOW! I hadn't realized that it had been so long since I last blogged. I guess I've got a lot to catch you guys up on.  Lets not make this too painfully long okay.

Starting with My birthday:  The girls bought me both Adele cd's and flowers. Jason bought me a really nice watch, and my sister, Valisatie, made me a cross stitch.

(bracelet made by Lily, given to Kiera, who then gave it to me)

I'm proud to admit it's 100% true!!

Next is Christmas: Everyone got pretty much everything on their list and then some. All were happy and that's a hard thing to do!

Every year the Sailor and I get each other a gag gift. This year his was a used bowling pin for target practice.

New Years was a great time spent at a friends house with friends and family. We had a green Christmas this year, but rest assure there was plenty of snow to go around afterwards.

Most of December and January was spent inside enjoying the new books and video games. Mostly it was just me and the animals as usual. Although uneventful I did receive some very nice flowers from the Sailor.

All of last week was spent in Texas visiting a friend of mine. I came home to a clean happy household. Sometimes you just need to get away, even if it's only for the day. I was lucky enough to get a whole 7 days to detox from the madness that is better known as life. No worries, stress, or responsibilities outside myself for a whole week. It was bliss, not to mention WARM!! Even though it was much needed, this detox period, I greatly missed my family & pets after only one day, and I'm glad to be home.

Since this post has been so long I'll save my trip to Texas for another day and I'll also make a separate post for the cupcakes :)  Thanks for sticking with me this long. I'll catch ya on the flip side!!

Love ♥ Huggs
CoreyJo

I Must Be Crazy...

Hello everyone. It's been so crazy at my house as of the last few days. Why you ask?  Well, I've been thinking for a while about getting a pet. I really wanted a cat, but couldn't figure out where to put a litter box. I resigned myself to the fact that I would just have to break down and get a dog. I started to research puppy's at shelters and humane societies within 100 miles. You have got to be kidding me?! $375-400 to adopt a puppy? I understand that it takes money to run these establishments but seriously, $400? Most average breed dogs with registered papers cost aproximately that much. Is it any wonder that so many animals are not being adopted. Many households can afford the cost of a pet but not the adoption fees.


I just couldn't justify spending $400 dollars on a puppy this close to Christmas. Then I had and "Ah-Ha" moment, more like a 'Duh' moment really. I realized where I could put the litter box. Yay! That meant I could get a cat or two! Whoot Whoot!!


Tuesday morning after Jason arrived home from work he told me to get ready to go to town with him. Of course I needed to know why. Turns out he wanted to take me to see the kittens at our local humane society. Really?!?! I couldn't believe it, Jason didn't want to get cats. Oh well, I wasn't asking questions. So away we went.


Just for giggles after looking at the many kittens we took a gander at the puppies. OH MY GOD! Can you say cute!?! There were two puppies. One that was black and white, and a brown one with some white & black. I thought at first the brown one was a boxer, but his snout looked too narrow. We asked the attendant about him. He had been in the shelter for exactly one week, and was 7 weeks old. His mother was also there. He was the last of the litter. His mother is a German Shepard and his father is believed to be a Boxer.

Say hello to Red.

I KNOW!! Cute isn't he? How could I say no to Jason? The look on his face and then Red himself. So Red came home with us. All of us...

Say hello to Bonnie.

Don't forget to say hello to Mable.

Yes, two cats and a dog. I told you I must be crazy. I wanted the cats, Jason wanted the dog. What else was there to do but get them all. So all them came home with us. I know some of you must be thinking we broke the bank in order to rescue three animals from a shelter. In reality it was amazingly cheap. $95 for all three animals. Not only was the cost almost a quarter of the price of other shelters, but when we get Red and Bonnie fixed we will receive a reimbursement of $25 each. Mable was already spade when we bought her. I couldn't believe how inexpensive it was.

Even though Jason claims that he's not a cat person I think things will be just fine.

Well, that's my crazy life for the next little bit until the puppy is house trained and Bonnie gets over her fear of the litter box. Oh well, it was worth it just to see the look on Jason and the girls faces. Christmas should be interesting...

One last photo for today. There aren't many colorful or clear sunrises now that winter is setting in. Fortunately I was able to capture this photo yesterday morning.

Thanks for stopping by and checking out the new members of my family.

Wishing all of you a most wonderful weekend.

Love ♥ Huggs
CoreyJo

TMI? MIA? WHAT?...

As the regular visitors can see I've change a couple of things like adding a new title header, and some of the text colors and fonts. If you're viewing this on a mobile unit then this doesn't apply to you for the mobile viewing is a different setup. For those of you on a pc or tablet please let me know if a font or font color is hard to read. :)

Last night I was chatting with a friend, lets call her 'Muffin', and asked her if she would check out the changes I made to the blog. During this chat Muffin told me, "I had nothing to read with my coffee Monday". I of course apologized and explained that mentally, and emotionally, I was drained after the last big post. Which in turn affects my creative thought process.  During my conversation with Muffin I had a BRILLIANT idea for a post and cryptically told her so in between virtual giggles. Of course I was side tracked and didn't get to my post right away. By the time I was ready to put the post together my so called brilliant idea was missing. Yes, missing. I searched and searched, and it was no where to be found. My brilliant idea is MIA!!

Well Shit! Now that I've opened my mouth and bragged to Muffin about my brilliant idea I have to post SOMETHING! I can't just wait for inspiration to hit me. I had to dig into my closet of ideas and hope I could find one that would be worthy of a cup of a morning coffee. So a digging I went. Shoes?, nope. The filing cabinet that I haven't used since we moved in 7 years ago?, nope. Photo boxes? yes! Wait, no time. Damn it! Board games?, no. Jason's rifle/shotgun?, not going to happen. A deflated exercise ball? Hmm maybe I should blow it up, it might do me more good. Naw. Well damn. I've got nothing hidden in my closet. Sigh.

Okay, since I can't find anything in my closet all I have left to give is a little bit of me. Hurry up and refill your coffee Muffin, I don't have all day here. 

When I started Monkeys & Windex I didn't expect anyone other than family and a few friends to follow. Since there are people who now follow this blog who don't know me I thought I would just tell a few facts about myself. Yes, Muffin, I know you already know most of this. As soon as I find that brilliant idea that's M.I.A. I'll be sure to wow you, okay? This will hold you over for now.

~My favorite kinds of movies are the classic Musicals.

~I never leave, go to sleep, or hang up the phone without saying, "I Love You" to my loved ones.

~I can talk about anything, yet when I get on the phone I become very shy.

~I would rather read the book than watch the movie.

~My best friend is an Alpha Bitch, and I like it!

~If I could live anywhere in the world I would live in Ireland.

~I married my husband of 11 1/2 years after dating him in person for only 10 days.

~My best accomplishments in life are my 3 girls.

~I am the Queen of procrastination.

~I miss my ex boyfriends younger brother as if he were my own brother. (which I have none of)

~Professional Bull Riding is my favorite sport, and not just because of the cowboys.

~Contrary to popular belief, I do cry & I am not as strong as everyone thinks.

~I crave knowledge, yet I will never go back to school.

~I grew up 2 miles from town, yet I never went to town.

~I'm almost 34 years old and I'm still scared of the dark.

~I'm addicted to McDonald's Caramel Mocha's. (thanks bernie)

~I thank God everyday for my husband. I don't know what I would do without him.

~When my friends hurt, I hurt too.

Okay, I think that's enough about me for the day.  What about you? Tell me something about you that not everyone, if anyone, knows.

Happy Thursday Muffin, I hope you enjoyed your coffee and morning entertainment.

Have a wonderful day everyone.

Huggs ♥ Love

CoreyJo

Such is Life...

To steal a quote from one of my sister in-law's, "People get sick and it sucks. People get really sick and it really sucks". I'm sure she won't mind since she stole my candle, which I don't mind because she thinks I'm, and I quote, "BadAss". Thanks Jen. LOVE YOU.

Anyways, back to the quote and the nature of it. In my last post I mentioned that I will be lighting another candle for yet another person. Last year my father in-law became very ill. This past spring he he had surgery to remove a lump of cancer. He was doing well for a while, but the cancer came back. It's spread widely and quickly leaving him no options for treatment, not even experimental. He's terminal, and he's okay with that. He has all his ducks lined up. Everything set up to care for his wife after he's gone and then some. He's only 61 years old, yet he's lived the life of two people. He's the original Sailor. He's been around the world, seen and done more than most people would ever think of doing. My hat goes off to him for his bravery in all of this. He is loved very much by his family and his friends. It's going to be a very hard and sad coming time for everyone. The doctors say 4-6 months but we (all of his kids) aren't even sure he will make the 4 months. Time will tell. What more can we do other than live each day with him in the hopes of enriching the life that he has left.

The part that has me worried is how is this going to affect our girls? It's only been two years since we lost our dear Miss Margaret. When Maggie died it crushed Lily, and confused Kiera. In the last two years the girls have managed to deal with the death of their sister rather well. When  you think about it two years really isn't all that much time. I'm afraid of how they are going to react to the news. We plan on telling them a little about what is going on this weekend. Then over a little bit of time letting them in on the whole story of what's going on. We are already discussing and getting prepared to set up grief counseling for them and possibly us too. Although I do have to admit that I don't believe losing a parent is as hard as losing your child. Especially a child as young as Maggie was (2). I'm not saying it's not hard or devastating, just not as hard. Don't hate on me, it's my opinion and I have a right to it.

Just as I said at the beginning, "People get sick and it sucks. People get really sick and it really sucks"

~CoreyJo

Here are some yet to be published sunrise's and sunsets from the last week or two, and some of the storm that rolled through.


SUNSET ↓

SUNRISE THE NEXT DAY ↓

SAME SUNRISE A FEW MINUTES LATER ↓

SUNSET THE SAME DAY ↓

THE STORM WAS TRYING TO VOID THE SUNSET, IT WENT DOWN A SWING'N ↓

 THE STORM ROLLIN' IN...FAST!! ↓

 THE NEXT FEW PHOTOS ARE THE COOLEST STORM CLOUDS EVER ↓

SUNRISE THE NEXT MORNING ↓

SUNRISE THE NEXT DAY...LOVE THE CLOUDS ↓

Thank you for traveling along with me on my sky adventures. A little beauty each day helps make things brighter.

Candles...

    Not everyone believes in the power of prayer. To be honest, even though I do it, I'm not sure I completely believe in it. I do believe in God, however I don't believe that prayers for the impossible will make a difference. On the off chance prayers do come true I always try to pray for something practical. A clear mind for the doctors on the day of surgery. Sun shinning in the window invoking a smile. Laughter & love on a gloomy day. I will also be honest and admit that when someone I care about or love is not in a good way I have asked my sweet Maggie to watch over them and help them in whatever way is best for them. I suppose I do it partially for my own peace of mind. I also tend to light candles. Every time I look at or smell the candle I think of that person. Each time I think of them I try to always think a positive thought in hopes that the supposed power of prayer & positive thoughts really will work.

    Ever since Maggie died I've had her photos on the top of a cabinet in the living room. Along with her photos is a plant we received at her funeral, and some angels that were also given to us. I don't always have a candle lit in her memory because, well...you know, life gets in the way of things sometimes.   However, when I do have a candle lit that's where it is. Back in March a dear friend of mine became seriously ill. Considering they were on the other side of the country, and there was nothing I could do in person to help them other than verbal support & comfort, I lit a candle for them. Then again just recently another friend has become seriously ill. They too are very far away, so I have also lit a candle for them.

    After talking with a friend about the candles I decided to send him a photo. He asked me if I was going to post the photo here on Monkeys & Windex. The thought had never crossed my mind. I started thinking about it and thought, 'Why not?'.

In the background you see a photo of Lily & Kiera from this summer. The red bottle is a gift from my sister in-law. It's a glass, hand blown, perfume bottle, decorated with real gold. It would shine more if I would have remembered to dust it before I took the photo. (oops).  Right now I'm in the process of making room for one more candle. Yup, another one. Will we ever get a break? How many more blows can we take? Sigh.....will the pain and heartache ever stop...?